Inferno in the Alpine foothills of Northern Italy near Vercelli and Biella, Piedimont.
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Inferno in the Alpine foothills of Northern Italy near Vercelli and Biella, Piedimont.
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Back in Dublin again, I was one of thirty, all-male trainees destined to become the camera, lighting and sound operators with the new television service. I started late, in November 1961 and found the first work ambience I had ever enjoyed. We were based in the hall of a school near Ringsend and then in a warehouse on Lower Middle Abbey Street, where we pre-recorded dramas and musical programmes for broadcast when the station would go on air.
So began a love/hate relationship with RTÉ which, though I have been a free spirit since 1969, has endured to the present day. My early attempts to become a writer, lover, lieder singer, piano player, actor, writer, travel agent all faded away like the morning dew, sublimated into this exciting new medium. My flibbertigibbet nature – as my father described it – had paid off. He had also described it as ‘divine discontent’, which I quite liked.
As I write, the TV station and I are sharing over a half-century of uneasy co-existence.
I spent the first two years as a sound operator, a job whose initial glamour soon wore off. Kevin McClory, producer of the early James Bond movies, once told me that it was as a lowly microphone boom operator he first learned how to produce films. He had regularly and stealthily let his boom microphone linger above the producers’ conversations. He learned their Machiavellian ways by eavesdropping.
However, for me, RTÉ was far from James Bond and after two years the old demon of boredom raised its fickle head. How much longer could I endure days of cable-bashing, boom-swinging, disc-playing, the only functions for which I was qualified, having no technical insight into the mysteries of sound?
Frustration was not alleviated by my occasional writing, which included devising and presenting a couple of radio programmes. Only concern at my parents’ likely final disillusionment postponed my certain departure.
In the new year of 1962 we moved into Montrose, the Michael Scott-designed television studios in Donnybrook. The place was soon named ‘fairyhouse’ after the alleged number of homosexuals employed. The term ‘gay’ had not yet been appropriated by that lobby. I could identify only a very few, among them Hilton Edwards, Head of Drama and Alpho O’Reilly, Head of Design. Alpho made no secret of his revulsion at the first appearance of finely-contoured mini-skirts in the canteen and corridors. I am still acquainted with the two first, magnificently-thighed girls who bravely wore them. Alpho disappeared one day and neither he nor his car were ever found.
There was also a popular young floor manager named J. whose wit was legendary. Once he was unlucky enough to hire a taxi driver who was openly ‘homophobic’ – years before that word was coined for queer-basher. It was a rainy night and J. caused the driver to search endlessly for an address. Finally when the destination was found and J. alighted, he left his umbrella on the back seat. The driver thrust it at him with the farewell: ‘Hey Fairy! Don’t forget your wand.’
Jeremy clutched his property, pointed it at the driver and said: ‘Turn to shite.’
The rest of us were boringly straight. But we had fun. Our coming-of age-occasion was when we dared have a drinking party on Good Friday when all pubs were closed. It was the initiative of Tom Mack, a fellow worker in the sound department who regaled us with tales of his enviable, and probably imaginary, sex life. Reality caught up with Tom: he was dismissed for sexually harassing a make up girl in a dressing room.
James Plunkett once described the RTÉ organisation to me as ‘compassionate’. He was referring to the organisation’s capacity for forgiving those who succumbed to alcoholism and other social diseases. But Tom Mack’s crime was sexual, which was beyond the pale. It was officially described in Civil Service terms as ‘moral turpitude’, and he ran away to England with the wife of the Head of Graphics. For an inhibited colleague like me, what was there not to admire about him? I was bored and desperate.
Out of the blue the cavalry came to my rescue. RTÉ management offered me simultaneously a choice of three jobs: production assistant for commercial radio programmes (which, with the hindsight of my detestation of consumerism, is ironic); trainee newsreader was the second offer – Mike Murphy was a fellow trainee. This was the initial path trod by most of the first batch of Irish TV personalities: Bart Bastable, Gay Byrne, Andy O’Mahony, Frank Hall, Bunny Carr, Terry Wogan et alia. I now murmur ‘Whew!’ at the narrow escape I had from the delusions of minor celebrity. But, as Kurt Vonnegut put it to me: ‘I could sure do with the money’.
The third offer was everyone’s dream job at the time: TV producer. It did not take any heart-searching to choose it. Looking back on my various jobs, I wonder how employers were blind to my chronic unemployability. Perhaps all they saw was malleable innocence and may have mistaken it for humility. If you can fake that you can fake anything.
I spent five busy years as a producer/director, working with some of the above talented people in programmes which included the original Late Late Show. But mainly I made documentary films, which enabled me to escape the straitjacket of a studio
In our youth in the Coffee Inn in Duke St. the late Nuala Ó Faoláin said to me: ‘You have unresolved adolescent complexes’. I had unwisely revealed my private thoughts to a journalist – worse, to a sophisticate. Twenty years later in West Virginia I met Nuala and happily told her I still had the same complexes, but now found them a useful spur to creativity. ‘Lucky you’ she said.
As I had recently produced a fictional memoir, Smokey Hollow, she asked my advice about doing the same. I could offer nothing except the jaded: apply thy bottom to a chair and start writing. Not long afterwards she began her acclaimed autobiography Are You Somebody? We had each learned that personal versions are the only antidote to objective reality. However, I was taken aback by her portrait of her father, bon viveur journalist Terry O’Sullivan, as the villain of her upbringing. He, a music lover, had once rung me in studio after a music programme which I had devised for Radio Eireann and wistfully said: ‘I wish I’d made that.’ I never met the man in person but it softened the feminist version of him later portrayed in Nuala’s book.
Ironically, Father Romould Dodd – another Dominican – head of Religious Programmes asked the powers-that-be in RTÉ that I, sceptic, agnostic, non-believer, take your pick, be appointed to his non-existent department. Thereafter, I could make films on any subject I liked. I would merely decide on a theme, meet Romould over his gin and tonic in the RTÉ social club, and tell him what I had in mind. He would nod approval, smile affably and regale me with tales of his time as a chaplain in the oilfields of the Middle East.
My illusions stayed with me when I was making documentary films. Early efforts concentrated on the old-fashioned truth that we are each a fallible link in a social chain made strong by cooperation i.e. we are completely interdependent. I even titled a film on the Cheshire Homes ‘The Weakest Link’ to argue that the apparently handicapped are just differently endowed and that the apparently healthy are just as handicapped, certainly less than perfect.
My penchant for fantasy was soon recognised by the new Head of Drama who invited me to join his department. I declined and told him about Robert O’Flaherty, maker of ‘Man of Aran’ and ‘Nanook of the North’, who had invited a friend to join him in documenting the lives of exotic and primitive peoples. The friend, John Grierson, replied that his personal preference was to document the lives of the savages in Birmingham. Grierson went on to found the National Film Board of Canada and become another hero of mine.
Meanwhile, I was finding out that my childhood version of Christianity was an imposter, a pretender. I had been led up the garden path. Fundamental Christianity and Socialism, though apparently deadly enemies, were actually the same thing and neither were being practised! Quite unconsciously I fell for the worst of both worlds and became that contradiction in terms, a Catholic Marxist, just like Arthur Dooley, the Liverpool sculptor. Dooley had shown my colleague Jim Fitzgerald and myself his absurdist two-story miniature Model T Ford which he had called after the Tory bigwig, The Sir Alec Douglas Hume. Because, Arthur explained, ‘it doesn’t work either’. Fitzgerald kept the sculpture until poverty forced him to sell it to Charles J. Haughey.
These vague ideas I tried desperately to reconcile, despite two realisations that blunted my idealism. The first was watching my films as they were broadcast under the RTÉ religious ‘Horizon’ banner every Sunday at teatime. The family would briefly glance at the screen (“Oh, another of yours’) and resume eating. The second was Catholic-induced guilt: I was a whited sepulchre. How could I preach social virtues to others when I myself was a confused hotbed of lust and decadence? How else explain being locked up with a cageful of prostitutes in a Parisian gendarmerie in 1966? Here is my version:
On the RTÉ rugby football team actor Frank Kelly (aka ‘Father Jack’) and myself were the centre three-quarters who outdid each other in physical unfitness. The team travelled to Paris to play the RTF (French TV) team and see the Irish/French international. Our ruthless opponents forced cognac on us and kept us up until 4.00 am. At 9.00 am we staggered onto the rugby pitch, were soundly thrashed and that afternoon saw the Irish team suffer the same fate. There was then another sorrow-drowning dinner with a cognac-scoffing competition and a French tie-snipping ceremony – presumably a symbol of our rugby castration that morning – which led to mild violence.
That night we attended a discotheque whose air I found suffocating. I climbed on to a window sill on the 2nd floor to get a breath of the balmy Paris night air and a little peace. It appears that some overwrought dancer then looked up, spotted my legs dangling overhead, screamed and gave everybody the impression that there was a suicide in the offing. Soon a group of uniformed men arrived to talk me down. I explained my breathing difficulties to the Gendarmes but they missed the point and insisted I come along with them. I did so, protesting mildly about free will and democracy.
That is how I ended up in a cage in the police station, being fed cups of black coffee and sharing mimed jokes with some ladies of the night who had also been rounded up. One of my team mates with a smattering of French finally persuaded the Gendarmes that I was not a serious threat to public order or myself, and they released me.
I continued my television campaign for illusory decencies until 1967 when the effort proved too much. My labours had produced no change in the world, certainly none apparent to me; the majority of people were as sensibly pragmatic as they’d ever been. Most were – to this arrogant observer – living unexamined lives, concentrating their energies on careers, ignoring my filmic exhortations to observe the lilies in the fields.
Literature gave me intimations that everybody lived unadmitted lives of quiet desperation. I remember devouring, on successive lunch hours in Kiely’s pub in Donnybrook, two books that were mind altering: R.D. Laing’s Politics of Experience and Peter L. Berger’s The Precarious Vision. I would defy any impressionable person of the time to read those books and carry on their normal humdrum lives. They certainly changed mine because I had not been defused by third level education, and was that homemade time-bomb, an autodidact. The first book questioned our definition of ‘normality’; the second demonstrated the relativity of all belief systems. They incited me to question the very ground on which I walked, and established a lifelong pattern of querying every fixed position.
I also got an insight from the late writer Francis Stuart.
In the Arts Club in Dublin I asked him whether he resented the likes of Frederick Forsyth making a fortune from reactionary potboilers while he had to soldier on modestly. ‘No,’ he replied. ‘I see myself as a backroom researcher. My findings will gradually filter down.’ This demonstrated to me his modesty as well as faith, hope and confidence, attributes to which I hopelessly aspired.
Stuart defined for me the only unique perspective a person possesses, the one that alone distinguishes him or her from their fellows: his ignorance. That cheered me up. Not possessing much talent but plenty of ignorance, it became my lifejacket. In his advice Stuart was echoing T.S. Eliot’s dictum: ‘what we know is what we do not know’, and ‘the only wisdom is humility’.
I became confident in my ignorance, enough to stop trying to conceal it, actually revelling in it. As a direct consequence a producer colleague once rhetorically asked whether I was very humble or very stupid. I answered that I was very stupid, which reply the arrogant wretch was forced to concede as quite clever, covering both bases. It even saved him a bloody nose. I discovered that an admission of ignorance on my part invited confidences from others. This proved invaluable in the making of documentary films.
I did not pause to assess the truth of Stuart’s or Eliot’s wisdom; I was too busy picking theirs and everybody else’s brains for answers. I thought Stuart’s was a good philosophy for a writer who sensed the abyss. It was not inconsistent with his youthful throwing in his lot with the Nazis, for which many would never accept his artistic excuses. Although I found his autobiographical Black List Section H to be a little self-serving, designed to de-nazify his reputation, its frankness was startling and his novels were thought-provoking. Francis Stuart was a devout, perhaps even a mystic Christian, who enjoyed a very long life and whose funeral I attended in County Clare.
The challenge of ‘that which we do not know’ is for me balanced by the insight that we are all in the same gluepot, just guessing, studying form. The exceptions are those – among them career academics, high priests and politicians – whose busy eyes and mouths are full of certain certainties. I could add much more on this subject, having spent the second half of my life trying to rid myself of what I learned in the first half.
I think I have by now earned an honorary PhD in ignorance.
In the sense that a doctor ‘practises’ medicine, never mastering it, I practised the art/craft of film for many years. Now I realise I was merely treading water, blundering around and, unlike doctors, unable to bury my mistakes: twenty of my films were recently re-run on Irish national television With few exceptions, they resigned me to the futility of any attempt at excavating truth or changing the world by one tiny iota. Rather late have I discovered that all change begins with oneself.
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These poems belong to the Puddle Heroes series, by the hectic fish.
Puddle heroes is a collection of pictures of puddles with people on it, people not necessarily drowned as much as free floating
They are the icons of all the rhymes that follow.
All the photographs have been turned upside down, which is an involuntary tribute to the photographer dyslexia
The idea behind it is that sometimes reality is better upside down, likely always.
And the idea behind is also that water dignifies, which is something that funerals do as well, for they are the only places in humanity, besides puddles, where people understands silence and go without themselves.
Or their ego.
It is the great thing about working with people reflected: they are egoless for they belong to your imagination.
all verses are written in pencil because sinking the tip of mine on photographic paper is an experience as silent and devoid of ego, as water and poetry are
rubble fish
my heart is a red fish
that eats blue rubble
and loves scrabble,
my heart is the
red playlist
that you yellowed
on crystal sand
on black sundays
when the lord fails to
deliver shelter
and the cripple crumble
long before
the corporate rumble
my tongue skips and rhymes
white canvas and blue velvet
as my keypad chooses the sky
against my tendency to sly
idiot as it is
stupid is it not
the algorithm
keeps playing
songs of love
and wisdom
where Newton shines
in his own rainbows
BIRTHDAY WAYS
Coming to an age there’s one tear and my rage.
My skinny tree has blown all its CV’s,
floating leaves with former articles and ex professions;
colliding against empty trays&huge depressions.
.
once there was a notion
and two degrees.
the spirit of democracy
cost me all amphetamines
& a PhD.
could have been an orchard
with a lemon tree;
thought I knew
I wanted to be free
all my branches are now empty,
cracking slowly as one deep wrinkle.
36 dilemmas and a skinny rope
should be enough to roll down all my hopes
…
end of September
one more millimetre.
dripping like serum
in cold plastic bags,
early ages are crawling towards
its aftermath
CHIT FUCK YOU CHAT
oh my dog,
me life for a Xanax
Yves Tumor song
is a sonic sword;
on its tip, we rattle.
your acid work
keeps on dripping
like a double-bassed
little green devil
on sixteen deafening speakers,
sliding so close
& far away;
in absolute disarray.
this is not my fault.
It’s my fucking fall.
I gently spike the bushes,
its lighters and its promises,
words pouring away
like little green devils
out of control, not aiming
at one single point
but wondering what’s
the whole fucking point
of your endless black pint
the fucking interstellar shithole
where I CHIT FUCK YOU
CHAT you for hours,
while you dripped
and repeated
all your never-ending routines.
you use to rhyme your words,
in mathematical equations
of love and wisdom,
where I was the cat
and you were the snow
white forests came too early
like some guns
or most of the flowers,
that rarely appear at the start
this is you and me
together in our mayhem
so inescapable and reversed,
like a Friday
in a nasty Monday way
same sugar, identical dopamine;
your bluntness grew fat
as you kept the cheat and the chat,
trading dolphins
for mosquitoes
CHIT FUCK YOU CHAT me no more,
as your sweat drips
my body weakens
once you’d reach your vein
I’d lonely lose my name.
I neglect the errands,
and make amends
with mistakes
by fucking them slowly
up and down,
nice and gently,
in all directions;
it’s equally maddening to think
about the island by your shore,
realizing that I’m here
and I’m not
that you sink
and I don’t
the air shaking,
fucking crunching the barley
of your CHIT FUCK YOU CHAT
its endless swifts
in bloomless fields
spinning in layers
erratic onions:
in every thin line,
lies a fat oblivion.
LITTLE GOAT
a little goat sighs above my head.
softly wrapped in Sunday dreams,
her lightened breath
sweeps tomorrow’s beams.
weekend fades another
monday dead.
…
young ibex
swapped the heat
for two cold feet.
her former curls
got frozen under wool.
now she is like a woman
lying by some pool.
the sudden stop
of skinny orgasms,
kept her kind of cool.
…
wind quite blows
uncompromised frights.
a bunch of punctured clouds
are gathering to fight
little goat smells the air
and sees the cliff.
It only takes one memory
to get her belly stiff.
…
dirty rain recalls
the flavour of her pain.
there was no hope
in those remote slopes.
the skylight bleeds
northern thunderlights
are freaking out her tail
creature turning pale
…
run run run,
little young ibex.
there is no fun
in repressed sex.
far away from your jungle,
there’s an irish psycho
and a triangle.
The idea of home is a recurring Irish preoccupation – níl aon tinteán mar do thinteán féin.[i] This can be traced to a history of Famine dispossession, and a subsequent Land War. The Irish Constitution still commits the State to supporting women as home-makers.[ii]
It perhaps explains the vehemence of recent criticism, from across the political spectrum, directed at the Fingal Battalion Direct Action for protesting outside private residences of government ministers Simon Harris, Richard Bruton and Paschal Donohoe, as well as Taoiseach Leo Varadkar.
Social Democrat councillor Gary Gannon condemned the campaign as ‘entirely wrong’[iii]; while the Irish Times also weighed in, likening the protests to interventions at hospitals and medical clinics by anti-abortion groups.[iv]
While in the UK the sight of politicians’ homes being besieged by an intrusive media or angry protestors is a familiar one, in Ireland we expect restraint and even civility around the domestic space of public representatives.
That the Fingal group styles itself a ‘Battalion’ also conveys paramilitarism and a form of mob rule. Political protest, however, is always considered ugly by those in power, and an absolute ban on any form would set a dangerous precedent. What if the mob is actually in power?
Before the last Italian election a crowd, holding candles, gathered outside the Milan residence of Silvio Berlusconi, as a member of the Five Star Movement read out an indictment against the disgraced former prime minister, revealing his links to the real mob, or mafia.[v] It was a powerful democratic statement: calling a billionaire politician to account outside his home.
In order for a campaign on the margins to gain public attention a degree of civil disobedience is often required. That was certainly the case with the NAMA to Nature project in 2012.[vi] Ghost estates around the country appeared as a testament to folly and greed, making the public overwhelmingly receptive to what was a trespass on private property to heal the landscape by planting trees.

But since the Crash we have seen a steady reassertion of the rights of property-owners. This often works to the detriment of marginalised citizens, and can imperil the habitats of species under threat of extinction. Travellers also defy a widespread devotion to private ownership, making them a convenient target for unscrupulous politicians.
The government’s housing policy is failing at a fundamental level the ten thousand homeless citizens.[vii] An entrenched sympathy with landlords was set out by Eoghan Murphy in a speech to the Dáil last December:
We have to be very careful in interfering more than we are at the moment. We have to make sure that we are not placing extra burdens on these small landlords. And we have to make sure that we are not prohibiting someone from selling a property that they own when they might need to sell that property for perfectly legitimate reasons in their own lives. They may not have the money to re-compensate the person living in the property at that point.[viii]
Above all the government has failed to build the houses necessary to alleviate the Housing Crisis, at a time of when the states coffers are bulging. Taoiseach Varadkar’s oft-stated ideological opposition to socialism seems an obvious reason.
Upholding property holders rights extends to giving farmers free reign to do as they wish on their land. Last month Minister for Arts, Heritage and the Gaeltacht Josepha Madigan signed off on an order extending the burning season of uplands, the habitats of hen harriers and skylarks, among other wildlife.
Anne Marie Hourihane in the The Times Irish edition provided a scathing assessment of the Minister’s response:
At the weekend Josepha Madigan, the heritage minister, suggested that we address Ireland’s plummeting bird population by installing bird feeders in our gardens. Unfortunately, skylarks and hen harriers are not known for their attendance at bird tables, preferring to nest in uplands. Maybe the proposed bird feeders are intended as a diversionary tactic for the birds that will be nesting in the hedgerows in August. For example, your local yellowhammer — if you have one, as the yellowhammer is already on our danger list — might leave his hedgerow to get a slap-up feed at some well-appointed bird table, then fly back to his hedgerow, where he’ll say: “Hey, man, where’s my gaff? Also, the wife and kids . . .” It’s going to be a great craic.
Hourihane also highlighted an extension to the period for cutting hedgerows, which, she wrote, ‘contain so much wildlife, so many insects — including bees — so many small mammals, that they are a permanent wildlife programme all on their own. Now we will be allowed to cut them in August.’[ix]
Madigan’s response revealed either naivete, or a disregard for vulnerable species. Yet this runs contrary to the common good of preserving wildlife, potentially infringing what may, at a later time, be found to be in breach of any native species right, ‘to be, to habitat, and to fulfil its role in the ever-renewing processes of the Earth community’, as argued previously.
Leo Varadkar’s committed to an ‘extensive investment programme’ in the arts[x] during the Fine Gael leadership election, yet many artists and musicians struggle to afford a accommidation in Ireland. This is especially the case in Dublin, soon to be the EU’s most expensive city for rental accommodation.[xi] The plight of musicians is particularly difficult given how digital technology has decimated potential earnings from CD sales.
Songwriter David Kitt, who grew up in Madigan’s Dublin South constituency, where his father Tom Kitt was actually a Fianna Fail T.D., last year announced he was unable to afford accommodation in the capital, bemoaning how, ‘Dublin’s heart and soul is being ripped out and sold to the highest bidder.’[xii]
Furthermore, a recent letter signed by 407 members of the Irish theatre community claimed the direction the Abbey theatre is taking is causing ‘devastation among our ranks’, and pointing out there would not be a single Irish-based actor involved in any productions between September 2018 and February 2019.[xiii]
The Abbey, founded by W.B. Yeats and Lady Gregory, is the national theatre of Ireland. The staging of J.M. Synge’s Playboy of the Western World in 1907 there brought riots over an unfavourable portrayal of Irishness. A lack of indigenous theatrical productions today prevents similar interrogations of contemporary Irish culture, while forcing many thespians into exile.
True art and literature, as George Steiner argues, is ‘always, a critique’, involving ‘a value judgment of, the inheritance and context to which they pertain.’[xiv]
We have also learnt of funding being denied by Irish embassies abroad to Irish artistic endeavours that fail to cast the country in a favourable light.
The reliance of artists on patronage develops worrying dynamics. Will the anointed elite continue to pose the difficult questions essential to great works if funding is jeopardised? The major concern, however, is that Dublin, in particular, is being denuded of the vitality and originality of a vibrant artistic community, compelled to make their homes elsewhere.
Rare birds and feckless artists are forms of endangered wild life that do not fit comfortably into a society dominated by the interests of land owners. Those who invade the domestic spaces of politicians are roundly condemned, but can Ireland offer the sanctity of a home for all its species?
We rely on contributions to keep Cassandra Voices going.
[i] Lit. ‘There’s no hearth like your own hearth’, or ‘there’s no place like home’.
[ii] Article 41.2.1: ‘In particular, the State recognises that by her life within the home, woman gives to the State a support without which the common good cannot be achieved.’
[iii] Gary Gannon, Twitter: @1GaryGannon: https://twitter.com/1GaryGannon/status/1104784247825596416, March 10th, 2019. accessed 12/3/19.
[iv] Untitled editorial, ‘The Irish Times view on political protests: Crossing the line’, Irish Times, February 19th, 2019. https://www.irishtimes.com/opinion/editorial/the-irish-times-view-on-political-protests-crossing-the-line-1.3798009, accessed 12/3/19.
[v] ‘Alessandro Di Battista sotto la villa di Berlusconi, legge la sentenza Dell’Utri (COMPLETO)’ Youtube, February 9th 2018. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRpXvuxP28k, accessed 12/3/19.
[vi] Frank Armstrong ‘Nama to Nature: why we are planting trees on ghost estates’, March 19th, 2012, www.thejournal.ie, https://www.thejournal.ie/nama-to-nature-why-we-are-planting-trees-on-ghost-estates-384378-Mar2012/, accessed 13/3/19.
[vii] Pat Flanagan ‘Number of homeless in Ireland hits record high of more than 10,000, according to new figures’, March 27th, 2019, Irish Mirror, https://www.irishmirror.ie/news/irish-news/number-homeless-ireland-hits-record-14195755, 29/3/19.
[viii] ‘Deputy Eoghan Murphy – Private Members’ Business – 12.12.2018’, YouTube, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z1RRw0lM9iI, accessed 18/12/19.
[ix] Anne Marie Hourihane, ‘Ireland, where the wild things are under threat’, February 13th, 2019, The Times (Irish edition), https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/ireland-where-the-wild-things-are-under-threat-tmps0c80x, accessed 13/3/19.
[x] Elaine Loughlin, ‘Leo Varadkar pledges double budget for sport and arts’, Irish Examiner, May 22nd, 2017, https://www.irishexaminer.com/ireland/leo-varadkar-pledges-double-budget-for-sport-and-arts-450636.html, accessed 20/3/19.
[xi] Sean Murray, ‘Dublin now in top 5 most expensive places to rent in Europe, research finds’, March 13th, 2019, thejournal.ie, https://www.thejournal.ie/dublin-rent-europe-4538856-Mar2019/, accessed 14/3/19.
[xii] Untitled, ‘Songwriter David Kitt quits Dublin due to high rents’, July 31st, 2019, RTE, https://www.rte.ie/entertainment/2018/0730/982081-songwriter-david-kitt-quits-dublin-due-to-high-rents/, accessed 14/3/19.
[xiii] Aoife Barry, ‘Abbey and theatre makers to meet as 100 more sign letter of ‘concern and dissatisfaction’’, January 29th, 2019, thejournal.ie, https://www.thejournal.ie/abbey-theatre-concern-meeting-committee-4464893-Jan2019/, accessed, 14/3/19.
[xiv] George Steiner, Real Presences, London, Faber and Faber, 1989, p.11
[xv] Rosita Boland, ‘Josepha Madigan on culture and her racy self-published novel’, November 29th, 2018, Irish Times, https://www.irishtimes.com/culture/josepha-madigan-on-culture-and-her-racy-self-published-novel-1.3712257, accessed 19/3/19.
Brilliant white cinder-block walls and pastel-coloured floors. In between, lightweight partition walls carve up what is essentially a warehouse, and inspire confusion in short tangential corridors. Varying odours and temperatures permeate the air, where a multitude of individuals experiencing homelessness have the fortune of a roof over their head. Some move quickly, others slowly, some stagger.
It being my first day in this service, the four o’clock room check is an opportunity to familiarise with a few of the residents, and the complicated building. My colleague hands me the bed-list and a pen, and we make sure our walkie-talkies are working. He’ll check if they’re in, and I’ll mark the list accordingly.
‘You have to be careful with the women,’ so the warning goes. ‘Always go in pairs. If they accuse you of something and you’re alone, that kind of stuff can stick. Protect yourself.’
Announcing ourselves as, ‘male staff,’ we enter the first, and exclusively, female, corridor. As we move from room to room we check the toilets – each cubicle. We say ‘hi’ to a number of the ladies, my colleague checks my notations, and we move along to the next corridor.
I find myself standing away from the doors, clipboard in hand, behind my colleague. I feel an urge to be more visible to those in the rooms; I hardly want my presence to resemble some kind of warden.
Making things easy for me, my colleague introduces me to a number of the residents, which in many instances goes well. But, to complicate things further, I soon realise that I should avoid being too friendly.
Many are almost completely uninterested by my presence; I begin to feel I should have respect not so much for people’s privacy (largely non-existent), as more basically their space, my entry into which is that of yet another new face. It is, after all, their home.
Lying on a bed, in the corner of a square room, with partition walls which do not reach the high aluminium ceiling above, is a young woman, no more than twenty years-of-age, coming around from a worrying drug experience, initiated some days previously. At least she’s definitely breathing.
Sharing a room with a ‘crack-head’ must be difficult – just as sharing a room with someone who doesn’t appreciate your addiction to the substance may be.
I follow my colleague as we move from room to room, ticking the boxes and making brief greetings. Through a door bursts a notably thin woman, with a number of others behind her, electrifying the atmosphere as she confronts my colleague, keen to set the record straight.
Arms raised, she proceeds to direct our attention to the common area where, according to this woman, there is a ‘bitch,’ who needs to ‘shut her fucking mouth.’ I can’t help recalling the words of a member of management: ‘Many of our clients are seriously underdeveloped, cognitively. It is not unlike working with children.’
My colleague endeavours to calm the situation down, encouraging the woman to ignore others around her. She must focus on herself. The woman is responsive despite her warning that the ‘bitch’ inside had better keep out of her way. She relents: ‘I just need to get out of here.’
Another passing service user gets my attention: ‘It’s like Big Brother in here.’ The woman moves on hurriedly, the others behind her disperse, and we carry on with our checks. My colleague ensures I have ticked the right boxes, given the momentary commotion.
Prior to room checks, meal times had been a source of some controversy at handover. It being my first day, I had hardly contributed to the discussion. But now it comes up again with the colleague I am shadowing: ‘We don’t want to create a culture of smoking crack and eating cereal all day,’ she says. The service users are not to be provided with food, other than toast, before or after dinner. Staff are supposed to stick strictly to meal times. That means no pot noodles, soup, rice pudding, or cereal.
‘Right… so that’s the kind of thing we’re dealing with?’; ‘Yes, loads of crack in here, and spice.’
It is difficult to deny a person in this environment food – but telling them what time of the day they can have Rice Crispies makes sense. If I tell them it is twelve o’clock often some ask whether I am referring to day or night. Strict mealtimes encourage routine, a reason to get up in the morning and be somewhere in the evening – despite its illegality, many bedrooms don’t have windows. They are set to encourage people to be up during the daytime; a bedroom may be safer and more comfortable than a doorway on the street, but it can offer fertile ground for despair nevertheless.
Outside their bedrooms service-users are that bit more likely to avail of support from key workers or social workers. Of course when a physical environment inhibits anyone’s capacity to look outside – the inverse being an effort to inhibit others looking in – hope is a hard sell. But, in any case, that is why it is done.
Entering the next hallway, I see shower curtains draped over the doorways – that morning another staff member, who had greeted me, apologised for the doorways, something she felt made the place feel like a Concentration Camp. The council, she said, are yet to install the doors.
We knock on the partition walls before announcing ourselves: ‘Staff. Hi fellas. How are you doing today?’ My colleague’s admirable rapport with the residents takes the edge off his gallows humour. How does a person perceive an authority manifested in a prohibition on Corn Flakes?
The drunk or ‘crack-head’ stereotype loses relevance when the service user has a job, whose hours are such that they get home(?) after dinner time. The person may just want a bowl of cereal before bed, as I surely would, importantly, on getting home. What about the person who fancies a bowl of cereal at any time of the day?
Homeless is an umbrella term used to classify thousands of individuals who don’t have their own front door. But exactly why a person ends up in that situation varies widely. There is a Homelessness Crisis, meaning identifying and ordering the different classifications of homeless individuals relative to their needs is a luxury – we are led to believe – the country cannot afford. All kinds of people – highly dependent and highly independent – are lumped together. When someone asks for cereal, it is perhaps best to suspend judgement. There is not necessarily a negative consequences to a bowl of cereal at midnight.
It is suggested by a new member of staff that a particular client may be on the autistic spectrum, as his social etiquette is deeply lacking. It is something my colleague thought we should consider. That colleague had worked with autistic individuals in the past, so it seems plausible. But following conversation with another member of staff, who had known the client since he first entered the service – over ten years previously – another probable explanation turned up: the client had entered the service in his early twenties when his social interactions were far from a central concern. Ten years on, having spent a decade in a shelter, his capacity to interact with the outside world has been all but destroyed.
You often think of elderly men, savvy in the ways of surviving as rough sleepers, as those to whom the epithet ‘entrenched homelessness’ applies. But this is a young man who doesn’t sleep rough, whose home is the homeless services.
Another client argues given that he has lived in the country for over twenty years he should not have to listen to people asking him whether he would like to go home. He cannot go home: actually Ireland is home. We are discussing his recent transfer from the social housing list into a relatively new scheme called HAP (Housing Assistance Payment), whereby the government subsidises rent payments to private landlords, on behalf of HAP-approved tenants. That he should be continually asked to return home is a worrying reflection on the HAP scheme, packaged as an opportunity for the service user, but subject to the arbitrary decisions of private landlords, who often reject aspiring HAP tenants precisely for being aspiring HAP tenants.
He has been given a number of months to find a landlord who will accept him as a tenant. His more immediate concern, however, is his cancer, for which he really needs employment so he can look after himself.
The government policy which focuses on the one thing all homeless people by definition lack, has repercussions for those with complex needs. One might argue that housing this particular individual in private rental accommodation would have the beneficial consequence of increasing his chances of attaining employment, and maintaining good health, and avoiding the stress of being moved from accommodation to accommodation.
The stress of sharing a room with strangers, sleeping on his valuables is effecting his mental health he tells me. I’m struck by the reasonably well accredited hypothesis linking mental ill-health with physical infirmity, and I think once more of his cancer. Arguably, this emphasises the importance of getting this person housed, but my client is cynical, has little money, and potentially little time. He is frightened of adding to the statistic of homeless fatalities in 2019.
His immediate need is money. He needs prescribed medication, healthy food, and perhaps a counsellor or psychotherapist. That people aren’t being housed is disgraceful in itself, but in the interim they are suffering, deteriorating mentally and physically, and potentially dying. People suffer in the services, as they wait, often hopelessly. These are the vicious consequence of being unable to live independently.
Later, we discover a client rolling uncontrollably on the floor, experiencing what appears to be a seizure. He’s banging his head, and almost frothing at the mouth. We calm him, briefly, before he wriggles out of our control and continues. His head is our primary concern, which we endeavour to get a pillow underneath of. I get on the phone to my colleague who is down in reception. She gets on to the emergency services. They want to know if he is experiencing breathing difficulties. As far as I can tell he is breathing relatively normally. To make sure, I ask him directly. Managing to control him, I gain his attention and ask. Rather than responding verbally, he proceeds to demonstrate what sounds like incredibly strained breathing – as though on cue. He looks directly into my eyes and begins to cough in between episodes of holding his breath. Although we continue to calm him and inhibit self-harm, I am now less fearful for his well-being.
Once the paramedics arrive they work out quite quickly there isn’t much wrong, at least with what they can help with. They sit him up, holding him still from beneath the arms and probe him with questions. He manages to ignore them until they, somewhat more hands on, start pinching him somewhere around the chest. This certainly gets his attention and he finally blurts out: ‘fuck off.’ There’s a pause as we all come to understand that whatever is wrong with this service-user, it does not require emergency medical attention. He needs to go to bed and sleep it off.
A few weeks later, at a staff outing, I converse with a colleague who understands that despite the somewhat theatrical nature of the episode, there was, below the surface, a man reaching out for help, however desperately. It seems his only way of having his suffering recognised was to act out the part, blurring the lines between reality and fiction. He was not suffering in the way his behaviour suggested, but that is not to say he wasn’t suffering, as he drunkenly played out the part on an otherwise uneventful night in another homeless service.
Homelessness is complicated. These three words cannot do justice to what they purport to express. We are dealing with thousands of different lives under the umbrella term. What is at issue are the needs of individuals; and you can be sure these will multiply the longer one remains homeless. Whilst housing people is a reasonable objective, we cannot obscure the compelling needs of each individual.
Most homeless services adopt the Housing First approach. Of American origin, the original idea was that individuals experiencing homelessness should be placed automatically into independent living, bypassing temporary accommodations such as hostels. Once the client is established in their home, so it goes, outreach services will work on supporting individual needs. The initiative has a track record of success, and been adopted by a number of the leading services in Ireland. The issue today, however, is the vast numbers of those experiencing homeless who, after not being offered their own accommodation, end up in temporary accommodation.
Is there not a paradox to services advocating Housing First when the existence of those very services demonstrate the shortcomings of the Housing First approach? More worryingly perhaps: does it potentially license those who could otherwise support people in these services to delimit their support, on the basis that they can, in accordance with the Housing First approach, legitimately claim it is better to wait until those in need of such services are housed? Focus on permanent housing, and permit short-term suffering.
Inasmuch as a singular vision for the future is something to be celebrated amongst policy makers, public services, charities and NGOs, we cannot allow it to obstruct recognition of current needs. Most homeless services additionally advocate the person-centred approach. Better to consider the individual where they are at, and offer support accordingly. If a service user’s mental health deteriorates, we abide by the person-centred approach insofar as we have compassion and understand that person’s particular state of mind, and support them accordingly. The trouble is that in our current situation, the Housing First approach, is, arguably, in contradiction with the Person-Centred Approach, as it draws attention and resources away from individual needs.
As I’m covering a shift in a family accommodation unit. Over a cigarette break I take the opportunity to find out more about the service. ‘Many of the families don’t like HAP. They don’t want to be at the mercy of a private landlord, who could sell up next year,’ my colleague begins. ‘They wait on the social housing list. Could be years. Mental health begins to really suffer. Lots of them smoke a lot of cannabis. And then the children suffer.’
I tell him about some of the men I am more familiar with, from another service, and how a number of them grew up under child protection services: ‘You can see the cycle.’ To reiterate, I am hardly opposed to housing the homeless. People should be getting housed. But at issue is meeting the varied needs of the many people experiencing homelessness, at a time when the prospect of finding private rental accommodation is remote. Numerous individuals have many and complicated needs, and these should be considered simultaneously.
Homelessness is indeed a challenging issue. People’s many basic needs are complicated by the experience of homelessness. There is no universal panacea. We should be housing the homeless. But whether a young woman out of her mind on street drugs, an exhausted shift worker unable to get a snack before bed, a cancer patient with no money, or an alcoholic despairing at six o’clock in the morning, I cannot help but think that a slogan more fitting would be: ‘listen to the homeless.’
Irene H.
Going into your house, I sat in the conservatory waiting for the door to open. Waiting for your familiar rasping voice to call, “Mann! Herzenskind, komm rein.” I remained there still in the leather chair, trying to pluck up the courage to open the door and be met with emptiness. You’d snuck out one night three weeks earlier.
In almost a century of life, history marked Irene Hauser (née Leitgeber) and she, in turn, was determined to leave her mark. Born in Berlin’s Wedding district in 1924, her life was shaped by passages in history books. As a twelve year-old girl she sat in the stands watching Leni Riefenstahl film the 1936 Olympics, so awe-struck by the cameras that she almost forgot to watch any of the tournament.
She left school without graduating and when she told her parents at the end of the war that she wanted to go to university they thought she had lost her mind. It wasn’t her first choice. She had wanted to become a fashion designer but with barely enough food around to feed the population, whatever about fabric, that seemed like an even more fanciful idea. So Irene became the first person to go to university in her family and enrolled in physics at East Berlin’s Humboldt University, where she accounted for one half of the female student population on her course.
The city had been bombed into the ground and few possessed the creativity to imagine how this heap of rubble could ever resemble a functioning city again. Irene’s lectures were held inside some of the brick skeletons that remained scattered through the city, and during the icy winter months she sat in the auditorium wrapped in an over-sized fur coat.
In the 1980’s she retired as a professor in physics. Much must have happened between those two moments and sometimes she spoke about her work but it was the stories of what seemed like fantastical adventures that burned themselves into the mind of her youngest granddaughter. She told of her trip to Hanoi during a ceasefire in the Vietnam War. Her delegation was sent to provide expertise to Vietnamese scientists in the war effort, and Irene spent much of her time there trying to avoid the local food. In the 1960s she and her husband, also a physicist, worked on a secret research programme near Dresden to develop nuclear power.
The lust for life you possessed made everything seem possible and any fragility a bewildering concept. As we all sat in the chapel, your funeral seemed such a ludicrous event.
Although Irene knew how to bring her experiences to life in the stories she told, there was much silence about the suffering she witnessed and endured. Like many of her contemporaries, it was her actions that provided clues about the war that marked her.
No scrap of food was ever thrown away. Instead she tried to redistribute what she didn’t want to eat. Once she attempted to cajole her granddaughter into packing a half-eaten sausage for her trip back to London.
When she did speak about it, it was so matter of fact that there was little room for emotions. Anecdotes like the dead body lying in the hallway of the apartment block, which stopped her home being looted or the ridiculousness of her trying to salvage a carpet from her aunt’s burning home after an air raid seemed like abstractions. Even then, recounting herself walking through one of Berlin’s wide avenues lined by blazing buildings drew a harrowing image.
Irene was just twenty then. She grabbed life whichever way she could. So when she met the funny and clever Oskar at a laboratory she worked in, she didn’t see his limp. When an overseer, whose only function was to report to the SA (Sturmabteilung), threatened her with concentration camp if she carried on seeing the Halbjuden, meeting Oskar in secret seemed the only plausible solution to her dilemma.
Oskar didn’t want to let her marry him — him! A cripple. But Irene had made up her mind. And so it went. The two celebrated the defeat of Nazi Germany with a wedding and a rhubarb pie. Four years later, Irene gave birth to her only surviving child while Oskar was imprisoned on trumped up smuggling charges and cultivating his life-long aversion to Skat, a card game he played from morning till night with other inmates to pass the long days. His imprisonment had mobilised a student movement and although newspaper clippings of the protests and petitions for his release had been kept in a folder, Irene gave them to an archive soon after his death. Forward was the only direction she knew.
You always had a solution to everything and knew how to cover your tracks when you didn’t. Your quirky pride left no room for any admission of defeat. After you gave up smoking, you developed an affinity for checking on the washing behind the shed after each meal. Even your own son had no idea that you couldn’t cook until granddad died.
Much was left untold. Secretly we pieced some of your story together not to feel so inadequate in your shadow. To get to know the fallible human. Next to you our failures sometimes stung unbearably.
Perhaps a growing awareness of her silence prompted Irene to write a small booklet about her life in her last years. No one was to read it until she was gone. There was little sense that writing it gave her much joy. Rather it was a task that had to be completed, and like every task in life, complete it she did.
It recounts her childhood experiences in the Third Reich: pushing her parents to allow her to join the Bund Deutscher Mädchen (the equivalent to the Hitler Youth for girls) against their will; the turmoil of the post-war years, and the division of Berlin; her many professional achievements, and some reflections on the political life of the time in which she was inevitably involved. Maybe some modesty stopped her from indulging personal impressions and feelings in her booklet, but an impatience for anything that lay in the past certainly did.
In our last phone call you told me to never grow this old. The thought of being a burden to anyone was a greater weight on you than you could bear. ‘But grandma, we’re all so happy you got this old.’ Although I didn’t know it then with that I let you go. That day I stopped tearing and pulling at you. Life would be ok. Your death was befitting of your life. Fast and impatient.
Photo Caption: A photo of Irene, perhaps strict and stern to any stranger. But for those who knew her those lips hold back a smile and those eyes are filled with a lively curiosity that lasted as long as she did. By Franziska Hauser
It was exciting to meet the enthusiasm at the inaugural meeting of Talamh Beo, a grassroots organisation of farmers, growers and land-based workers on the island of Ireland. It aims to ensure a living landscape, where people and ecosystems thrive together.
Inspiration comes from the Landworkers’ Alliance (UK), which in the five years of its existence has become a voice for small food producers, farmers, growers and land-based workers (which also includes beekeepers, herbalists, foresters and flower farmers).
What we do at grassroots level in Ireland is of the utmost important as we confront a potential climate catastrophe, which we need to acknowledge as individuals and communities. No matter who we are in society, and what class we belong to, we all eat three times a day, and should be nourishing ourselves with good food, from a ground that is well taken care of.
We can farm in a far more sustainable way, beginning with our own gardens, and make conscientious food choices, avoiding plastic waste, and supporting local farmers.
This is crucial to our health and wellbeing, ‘Let the food be your medicine’, as Hippocrates put it; or as Darina Allen said on her ‘Foodture’ podcast: ‘Do your best to source chemical-free organic food, it’s really worth the investment … the less you spend on food the more you spend on medical care.’
If you think you can’t afford better food, consider where you now invest your money: how often do you go to the hairdresser, or drink a pint or choose to drive somewhere? There are priorities we have in terms of our time and money.
It is always a good time to start thinking about growing some of your own vegetables!
Ideally you should begin by building up soil nutrients from November onwards, but if you are starting now and feel you have missed the boat, don’t worry. We are adopting a No-dig method in our garden, which can begin at any time of the year. In this respect our inspiration is the legendary Charles Dowding, whose website and Instagram page offers plenty of excellent free advice.
If your space is limited you can use raised beds made from timber. Even a small concrete yard offers sufficient space. This type of raised bed is ideal for older people who might wish to avoid bending over.
The main ingredient of growing is good compost, which you can source from local farmers, and elsewhere. To start a bed we recommend gathering lots of cardboard, and spreading it straight onto the ground. Then spread a 10cm layer of compost over this. Beds should be approximately 1m wide, allowing 30cm for pathways between each one. Wood chips give a neat appearance to the pathways, and suppress weeds.
While your new beds are settling down, start propagating your favourite vegetable varieties in pots and trays of fine seed compost on your windowsills inside. You don’t generally need a rich compost to germinate seeds; heat and moisture are sufficient. You can multi-sow and do successional sowing to have a continuous supply of fresh ingredients throughout the year.

Those wishing to start an organic farming business, or a just develop partial self-sufficiency, should access networks of independent Irish growing organisations. We highly recommend linking up with an experienced farmer in your area to build a good relationship, and learn where the food you eat is coming from.
The Organic Growers of Ireland has created a Small Growers Network to help growers who have completed formal training or an internship with them. It is essentially a participatory network that is open to anyone who feels it would be useful. You don’t need much experience to be part of it; what you do need is the enthusiasm required to build up your strength on the farm.
The Network offers a forum for small farmers to highlight the specific needs of their holdings. It is organised by Jason Horner, founder of the OGI, and monthly meetings are happening in Cloughjordan, with farm walks providing different discussion topics, led by established organic growers.
Becoming a supporter of Irish Seedsavers helped us get involved in seed sharing and gave us access to workshops and events (including brilliant talks from Mary Raynolds). Apple-tasting days were a highlight. Seed saving is useful to anyone with an interest in biodiversity, increasing the variety of vegetables, and helping bees to pollinate by reducing monoculture.
The Flower Farmers of Ireland also promote the cultivation, marketing, sale and use of Irish-grown cut-flowers and foliage, and support and act as an advocate for growers.
We believe the Land belongs to us all. That is why we need to restore natural ecosystems, and put power back into the hands of small-scale producers. At the moment production is dominated by multinational supermarkets, which leads to waste and inequalities. It is time to get up and grow, or at least choose honestly grown local food.
Other useful links
The Landworkers Alliance in the UK: Farmer’s organisation
Via Campesina: International Farmer’s Movement
European Coordination Via Campesina: European Branch of Via Campesina
Once I had finished it I didn’t understand my own poem,
so how could you?
There had been a moment when, possessed by a sort of deftness, I had made choices
about matters such as line length
but now all that had left me. I was confused.
The intriguing question is what path led me
from that bewilderment to my present mode of address.
This is something which concerns you, so pay attention!
In a very true sense it is your curiosity,
which led me, like an umbilical threadworm,
out of the labyrinth. And here we both are,
blinking in the sunlight, a bit traumatised perhaps,
attracting too many flies for our mutual liking,
but here nonetheless, in whatever space this is,
field or piazza, over which I am making this address,
dear Ariadne.
_ Never doubt, I will come back for you.
I see now what separates us is a slowly widening stretch
of crystalline water. These islands are lovely and puritanical.
They suit your beauty down to a T.
I’m sorry, have I made a mistake about your name?
Is this, strictly speaking, European soil?
Anyway, I must be off.
Wait for me!
Alex Winter practised for many years as a barrister and now works in the field of psychotherapy.
Jesinta got back in touch with Manus through the internet. Face-book. He had stuck his name and a photo of himself up, and someone from his distant past had got in touch with him. For Manus it was a timely, and much appreciated contact
He was down in the dumps living in Dublin. An old man from Belfast. No one knew him.
He had met a few people but they were all far too straight by far for the likes of Manus. Their smug security inherent in the safe lives they had lived. They hadn’t even tried mind altering illegal drugs or reality revealer’s (as his day would have termed them) like magic mushrooms or acid. Their whole outlook on life seemed to be gleamed from viewing television. They had done straight jobs. Lived straight lives. They had never been on the wrong side of the law, been homeless or squatted houses. They had never been beaten by the police or chased through the streets by thugs while the police looked on. They were straights, who believed the straight view of the world as portrayed on the flat screen. They never thought about it, but if pushed they would say they believed there was a democracy in which they could affect social and economic decisions, and a free press which presented them with all the necessary information to make those decisions.
Then they would describe druggies as ‘delusional’.
So it was great to have Jesinta contact him on the net.
The email said ‘do you remember Ingleston common?’, then there was the name Jesinta and a telephone number. Manus felt all a-glow thinking about Ingleston common free festival. Just the fact that there had been free festivals.
It had been the early eighties in England. He had been traveling from Stonehenge with a convoy of around fifty vehicles: cars, vans, flat backed trucks, caravans, buses and motorbikes.
The police had tried to break the convoy up. It had been during the Thatcher years, and the police were all tooled up and pushing for a ruckus, with the drug-crazed, anarchistic rabble the press had daubed the ‘peace convoy.’
As a show of strength, police in riot gear lined the bridges going over the motorway. Intent on breaking the convoy they blocked the entrances to the motorway stations thereby denying the convoy fuel. A few inexperienced young bucks broke from the ranks and tried driving in to the service stations as ordinary citizens who had the right to refuel at a motorway station.
They were captured.
Then the convoy-led vehicles swerved across the motorway and cut out their engines.
It was mid-afternoon on one of the busiest motorways in England and if the vehicles of the convoy weren’t going to be allowed to refuel and continue their journey then neither would anyone else.
The police could trash the vehicles and arrest the people but that motorway was going to remain blocked for at least a day. That would cause disruption to an important trading route, and bring media coverage. The police quickly capitulated, allowing the convoy to refuel and escorted them to a piece of common land just outside Bristol called Ingleston Common.
A woman called Jesinta had turned up on the site. She was working as a prostitute from a massage parlour in the predominantly West Indian area of London known as Brixton. She had told Manus they were both Virgo monkeys, who could be of use to each other. and brought him home to her boudoir, complete with waterbed, mirrored wall and Turkish light fittings. She gave him the cash for a pound of good Jamaican weed, and set him up in the herb business.
On the day Prince Charles and Princess Di. married Manus sat with Jesinta and the rest of the girls from the toss shop, who celebrated their day off with champagne and cocaine. They mostly listened too reggae and dub music. Prince Fari boasted about ‘heavy manners … Discipline, discipline, heavy heavy discipline.’
But Jesinta also had some white man’s music, some American country singer who sang about ‘beat the lady’s of fame at the lady’s own game.’ Manus would always remember the line.
From his twenties Manus could remember many misadventures. Jesinta had featured in a few. Thinking back to those heady lawless days it seemed like a dream.
The facebook message from Jesinta seemed like confirmation that his memories were real.
Manus phoned the number and it was her. He had tried to make contact over the years, but like most of his past she wasn’t easy to trace. And here she was alive and kicking.
She had got her hands on some cash too. She wanted to send him a ticket to come visit and see how she lived now.
He was overjoyed at the contact. Some kind of continuity to his life. It seemed he had upped and moved on so many times in his life. Cutting off a little piece of himself each time he moved. Contact with Jesinta was like contact with his amputated self.
So ‘yea Jesinta,’ he said ‘fly us over to Cyprus.’
She got annoyed that he couldn’t just up and fly over that day. What was the mater with him had he become an old man? So stuck in his routine that he couldn’t just get up and take off. And he had to admit that he was. He had his five-year-old daughter Shirifa. Her wellbeing was his priority and it wouldn’t be good for her if her da just upped and offed.
He knew then Cyprus probably wasn’t really such a good idea.
It had been wonderful the contact with Jesinta. The confirmation that someone else shared the same past experiences but bringing that memory back into flesh and blood reality!?
Jesinta could be generous and kind-hearted, but she was also a difficult enough human being to be around. She didn’t have any reason to love Manus either. Except in the same way that he loved her, as part of the past, as some sort of passport back to the days of rebellion. Days of virtual no go areas for the police in certain sections of cities all over the British isles. Days when people believed they were going to chant down Babylon. Days of free festivals.
But that whole counter-culture was dead now. Dead and denied. Like it never really existed.
Manus had, decades before, loved Jesinta and left her but he had seen her a few times since. The last time he had seen her they hadn’t been lovers for at least five years and he had called round out of the blue after a fight at work.
She was still on the game advertising herself as a mature woman, and she had a punter call. She asked Manus to be quiet while she went upstairs, but then she was back down in two minutes wrapped in a towel asking him if he would come up stairs and fuck her for a bit and she would give him twenty quid. It was a strange scenario for Manus. Apparently the punter was paying extra to have someone else go first.
Manus would have done it for free.
But he’d noticed it then as she’d raised her legs up, her flesh getting flabby and he wondered how long she could keep charging men for the privilege of touching it.
In the year two thousand and eleven, Manus’s last lover had been the mother of his child and she’d been twenty years his junior. But she had shown him the full, viciousness of unconscious youth in the child custody battle and maybe he was ready for a more mature relationship. Hell he was old himself now. Maybe Jesinta and he could be lovers again. She had been twelve years older than him. He wondered if she could still raise her old legs up. Maybe they could laugh at each other’s ailments and still find some sexual pleasure.
In any event Manus and his daughter Shirifa flew to Larnaca.
At first sight Jesinta looked like Maria Sabina the mushroom priestess. Sallow skin and greasy grey long hair, flat against her skull. But her body was plumper. Fast food plump. She moved with the slow effort of age that Manus understood although his own body denied all logic and, in spite of its abuse over the years, had remained fairly healthy. He even still had a full head of black hair. And most of his own teeth.
When Shirifa went to bed the first night Manus and Jesinta sat with each other. They talked of friends who had died. Biker Spider. Phil the beer. Graham Gaskin. Characters from back in the day.
And then had little to say to one another.
Manus was not the wild young brave Jesinta had persuaded back to her reservation and she wasn’t the ass with class persona she had been either. She twirled her once luscious dark, now, lank grey hair between her fingers. There was a residual element of coyness in the gesture. But sex didn’t really seem to be an option.
She was on some prescription mood enhancers and mostly watched T.V. all day. Manus hated that kinda stuff. As Jesinta had thirty years before. He would rather be crazy and unhappy rather than have sanity and happiness as prescribed by the pharmaceutical and media companies. And whatever they were supposed to be doing for Jesinta wasn’t working. She was intransigent and dogmatic most of the time.
On one particularly bad day Manus and Shirifa had stayed out as long as they could and, too tired to walk any longer, caught a taxi.
Then there it was on the floor of the taxi.
A wallet.
Bunch of fifties bulging out.
Manus hadn’t the cash to pay for a fortnight’s alternative accommodation for them but there it was just sitting on the floor of the back seat.
He thought about it. He picked the wallet up and stuck it in his bag.
When they got home Jesinta was pissed off. They hadn’t stayed out long enough, or they had stayed out too long. There was no pleasing the woman. Manus asked her if she ever had a good day, and she warned him about another crack like that, and Manus was glad he had picked the cash. He was going to need it.
He took Shirifa out again on the pretext of getting ice cream. He ditched the wallet in some long grass and pocketed the cash. Six hundred and forty euros.
He felt sick.
He didn’t like thieving from individuals. Corporations, companies, banks, governments, he didn’t give a toss about, but individuals…. naw it wasn’t cool.
He was the sort who would need to talk to someone about it too, but there was no one he could tell. He tried to reassure himself that he could spend it on Shirifa, but it still didn’t feel good. He had a crap feeling in his guts.
Then Jesinta texted to say the police had called by looking for him. Of course the wallets owner had contacted the taxi firm and the taxi driver had given the last fare’s address. Manus could of course still get away with it. The wallet was ditched and the cash was untraceable but …. no. He just wouldn’t be up to it, and the thought of getting arrested for theft while in charge of his daughter in a foreign country sent shivers down his spine. No. He managed to find the wallet in the long grass where he had thrown it, stuck the cash back inside and brought it down to the cop shop. They said he might be in for a reward. He just raised his eyes and shook his head.
When he got back to Jesinta’s he felt relief and gratitude for all he had. Shirifa slept safely and soundly and Manus sat beside her. As was his habit he tried to scribble down some semblance of a story around his experience. His story told of an old lover, a free-spirited strong woman he had met at a free festival. A woman who would have despised this ugly caricature of herself trapped in some rut of vicious behaviour. The story went on to the point where Manus brought the wallet down to the cop shop, got back to Jesinta’s and felt grateful for what he had. It went on to have Jesinta wake up to all the treasures she had (not least amongst them being visited by Shirifa and her father) and in so doing Jesinta broke the habit of lashing back at all the vicious blows life had struck her. A habit she had carried on with even when life had stopped dealing her vicious blows.
Manus left his story (like all his stories an effort to get his point of view across), where Jesinta would find it and read it. And find it and read it she did.
She never admitted reading it, even denying it when he asked her. But she quoted lines and incidents from the story and did try her best for a half a day or so to behave as though she were with friends. People she could be easy with. People who didn’t want to rob or beat or cheat or dominate or belittle her in any way. People who had a sense of respect and even affection for her.
They all had breakfast in Jesinta’s room. Brushing Shirifas hair, Jesinta explained to the inquisitive five year old what a September monkey and a March rooster were. But it didn’t last much more than half a day before the drugs wore off, or kicked in, or she just slipped back into some mental rut where she had to fight back even though no one was fighting against her.
Whatever.
Shirifa and Manus left Jesinta’s a few days later. They had spent three hundred euros and only had two hundred left. They found a hostel which didn’t charge for Shirifa and only charged Manus seventy for the week. They didn’t eat in cafes any longer, or buy nicknacks, or play the amusement arcades. At the hostel Shirifa met a Romanian boy named Matayo. Manus met a French Canadian woman named Mannon.
Manus called back on Jesinta before they left. Shirifa didn’t want to. Shirifa at five years old still adored her father, and had been thrilled to meet someone from his world. Daddy’s old friend. And Jesinta had disappointed Shirifa. So Shirifa didn’t call back with him but Jesinta wasn’t the worst. Their was a touch of Miss Haversham about her. The hurt bitter twisted touch.
Manus tried to kiss her before he left.
He wanted to be affectionate but the only part of her that seemed to be open to a kiss was her hand. This could have resembled a devotee kissing a priestess or a pupil kissing a teacher. He hoped it wasn’t too much like a peasant kissing the hand of the rich.
Manus was still an old man from Belfast living in Dublin where no one knew him. Most people that he knew from his youth were now grumpy old ones stuck in their ways. Or dead. The dead ones were easier to love. The living were harder to deal with.