The Candidate Explains after Charlotte Nichols MP I didn’t know the meaning of “incursion” or “dealt with” the negative connotation until this morning. Didn’t realise the possible definitions of “parasite”, “rubbish dump”, “bad human material”. Didn’t know until this morning the connotations of “dismantle”, “pikey”, “assimilate”. The negative meanings of “scum”, “child thief”, “branding iron”. … Read more
Ballad of Lucy Kryton “There will not be a woman Prime Minister in my lifetime”, Margaret Thatcher The morning sun falls whitely on the lashes of Lucy Kryton. Her blondeness fully insured against theft, fire and termites. Her forehead the hard reality that care of both the elderly and the daft are best handled by … Read more
The Death By Drowning Of Twenty Seven Migrants In The English Channel on Wednesday It could have been twenty seven Cliff Richard fans who quite like that Boris Johnson really; twenty seven Noel Edmonds lookalikes whose wives stimulate themselves with The Daily Express; twenty seven former double glazing salesmen from Folkestone, Kent who blame everything … Read more
The Most Risk-Taking Poet In Ireland My split infinitives clearly the work of a man who dries his clothes recklessly, sometimes not emptying the lint tray two cycles in a row. At the height of my experiments with formal verse I once drove a Ford Focus at a tantalising twenty nine kilometres per hour when … Read more
‘Liberals’ & ‘Death’ Two words that strut confident of their own historical inevitability. Everyone in time meets them, though hopefully not both ringing your door bell the same day, unless your name is Nagasaki or Vietnam; or you’re the first village no-one’s ever heard of successfully abolished from thirty thousand feet by a transgender person … Read more
My Approach to Literary Networking after Francois Villon Most days I’d rather be bundled into the courthouse between two hairy policemen, with a highly debatable anorak dragged over my face, and blamed for killing Kirov – the crowd lobbing big thick spits and battering the van as I’m carted off – or be stopped at … Read more
The Happy Song of Us Okay to buy your grandchild an ice-cream. Illegal for them to lick it. Fine to bake granny a gleaming fruit cake, as long as you only email her a high resolution photo of it. Okay to give your son or daughter a bright new football. Illegal for them to kick … Read more
Presidential When you finish reading this poem, you’ll remember only the Black Forest Gateaux I bought you once. I had no option but to vote for that tax on women’s shoes but greatly admired the fight you put up against it; have kept all the press cuttings, especially those that took care not to mention … Read more
The Joke after Walter Benjamin A barrel of industrial waste poured into a suit donated by a casino owner who knows people with a tangerine tea towel tossed strategically on top because it was the only available metaphor for hair was running for re-election as CEO of South Canadia against an old coat with holes … Read more
After Recent Unfortunate Results Next election onwards, there’ll be a second vote for those who turn up with, under their arm, a print copy of one of the larger newspapers and answer a few unobtrusive questions to prove they’ve consumed it correctly. A third for those who also present receipts that show they’ve dined sufficiently … Read more