{"id":11577,"date":"2021-05-29T12:16:08","date_gmt":"2021-05-29T11:16:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/cassandravoices.com\/?p=11577"},"modified":"2021-05-29T12:16:08","modified_gmt":"2021-05-29T11:16:08","slug":"flann-obrien-labs-assess-the-e9-lunch","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/casswp.eutonom.eu\/index.php\/2021\/05\/29\/flann-obrien-labs-assess-the-e9-lunch\/","title":{"rendered":"Flann O’Brien Labs Assess the \u20ac9 Lunch"},"content":{"rendered":"

Breaking news from The Kimmage Chronicle<\/em><\/strong>: everything you need to know about live music and \u20ac9 lunches in the shifting Covid-19 landscape.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Following rigorous retrials in the Flann O\u2019Brien Laboratory, the \u20ac9 lunch \u2013 hitherto thought to be just a step too far in terms of potentially spreading Covid-19 \u2013 has been found to be safe.<\/p>\n

Food, ranging from the modest \u2018soup and sambo\u2019 combo to more complex multi-calorie three course meals were systematically cross-referenced in terms of price, calorie count and potential infectiousness.<\/p>\n

Volunteers, who are now all on intensive slimming and exercise programmes, were fed multiple meals that ranged in price from \u20ac6 to \u20ac54 (six times the potency of the \u20ac9 threshold).<\/p>\n

The temperature monitoring of participants followed swiftly after each meal consumed, and the volunteers were suitably napkined by lab researchers, and wearing suits designed by NASA, while conducting tasks.<\/p>\n

The results are startling. Volunteers reported feeling a definite \u2018sense of the absence of hunger\u2019 after consuming those meals that fell into the lower price range, whereas the mid-range meals produced both \u2018an absence of the sense of hunger and also a deep feeling of gastronomic satisfaction.\u2019<\/p>\n

Lunches above \u20ac30 uniformly produced unsettling emotions among all volunteers such as \u2018being ripped off\u2019; \u2018being made feel inadequate by words I didn’t understand on the menu\u2019; and \u2018a sense of peer pressure to eat beyond my means in places recommended by the Irish Times.\u2019 Physical symptoms included participants feeling \u2018bloating and drowsiness..\u2019 Remarkably, all participants tested negative for COVID-19 in each of the price categories<\/em>.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Now, at the government\u2019s bequest, the Flann O Brien Laboratory is carrying out extensive musical research on volunteers as they work off the calories.<\/p>\n

Three distinct live music experiences have been set up, along with cutting edge gym equipment for the volunteers, allowing them to exercise while being exposed to potentially infectious music.<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Live Classical Music<\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    This is without doubt the most expensive experiment ever undertaken by the Flann O’Brien Laboratory. It involves the RTE Symphony Orchestra with featured soloist Finghin Collins playing Beethoven’s \u2018Emperor Concerto.\u2019 Each member of the orchestra was flown to Cape Canaveral, where Astral Tailors designed suits for them that entirely sealing their bodies, save for fingers or lips where necessary for playing their designated instruments. Circled around the orchestra is the gym equipment where the volunteers vigorously work out. Their body temperatures are taken at the end of the concerto’s three movements. The test is being run nine times.<\/p>\n

    Collins said: \u2018This is definitely a Beethoven Marathon like no other. The adagio, famously used in \u2018Picnic at Hanging Rock\u2019 may induce feelings of almost unbearable melancholy, but hopefully without transmission of Covid-19. Who knows how we will feel after playing it nine times or indeed how the volunteers will feel having to listen to it nine times over the course of a single day, while simultaneously lifting weights and doing press ups! It’s an audience like no other. This is History!\u2019<\/p>\n

      \n
    1. The Jazz Improvisation Group<\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      To protect the Jazz musicians, NASA’s Astral Tailors joined forces with suit makers \u2018Brooks Brothers,\u2019 purveyors of the most dapper jazz attire ever conceived, to design sealed suits that wouldn’t look out of place in The Village Vanguard. Style meets the absence of gravity like never before!<\/p>\n

      An assemblage of work out equipment has been placed around the Jazz stage. The quartet is led by tenor saxophonist Michael Buckley, who will play through John Coltrane\u2019s entire \u2018Giant Steps\u2019 album, nine times, just as the Symphony Orchestra are doing with Beethoven.<\/p>\n

      \u2018Forget touring the world with Glen Hansard and playing \u2018Falling Slowly\u2019 a million times over, no, this is my greatest challenge ever,\u2019 said Buckley. He concluded: \u2018Playing through Coltrane\u2019s changes on the seven album tracks, nine times in one day, is the toughest task I’ve ever been set, I love my new suit though!\u2019<\/p>\n

      Researchers are especially keen to ascertain if there are any signs of infection or changes in temperature between the tempo shift in a ballad like \u2018Naima\u2019 and the complex up tempo chordal changes of the opening title \u2018Giant Steps.\u2019<\/p>\n

        \n
      1. Techno\/Dance<\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

        Here, NASA have collaborated with Daft Punk\u2019s design team to come up with an innovative sealed costume for turntable maestro Johnny Moy. There will be no gym equipment here as volunteers will be administered with a dose of lab-tested MDMA, which will keep them dancing without pause for nine hours. Researchers are especially keen to discover if, during the Techno Test, volunteers will refrain from hugging each other and declaring their undying love. Moy said \u2018Am well up for it! A nine hour set is a fuckin’ dream come true, I’ve got ten bags of bangers packed here, bring it on!\u2019<\/p>\n

        Preliminary data from these tests, subject to peer review, indicate we can expect the NCH to open before The Electric Picnic (which NEPHT want to see rebranded as \u2018The Acoustic Brunch\u2019) is allowed to relaunch. Jazz as always is being overlooked. Buckley and his combo are running through \u2018Giant Steps\u2019 for the eighth time now and researchers are monitoring each segue very closely.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

        Breaking news from The Kimmage Chronicle: everything you need to know about live music and \u20ac9 lunches in the shifting Covid-19 landscape. Following rigorous retrials in the Flann O\u2019Brien Laboratory, the \u20ac9 lunch \u2013 hitherto thought to be just a step too far in terms of potentially spreading Covid-19 \u2013 has been found to be […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":151,"featured_media":11582,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[155,156,717,977,978,2104,3356,3357,5322,5732,6754,8922,9057,9137],"class_list":["post-11577","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-culture","tag-e9","tag-e9-lunch","tag-assess","tag-billy-o-hanluain-cassandra-voices","tag-billy-o-hanluain-flann-obrien","tag-culture","tag-flann","tag-flann-obrien-labs","tag-labs","tag-lunch","tag-obrien","tag-the","tag-the-flann-obrien-laboratory","tag-the-kimmage-chronicle"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/casswp.eutonom.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11577","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/casswp.eutonom.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/casswp.eutonom.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/casswp.eutonom.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/151"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/casswp.eutonom.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=11577"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/casswp.eutonom.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11577\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/casswp.eutonom.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/casswp.eutonom.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=11577"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/casswp.eutonom.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=11577"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/casswp.eutonom.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=11577"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}