{"id":15477,"date":"2023-08-08T11:53:57","date_gmt":"2023-08-08T10:53:57","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/cassandravoices.com\/?p=15477"},"modified":"2023-08-08T11:53:57","modified_gmt":"2023-08-08T10:53:57","slug":"gay","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/casswp.eutonom.eu\/index.php\/2023\/08\/08\/gay\/","title":{"rendered":"Gay?"},"content":{"rendered":"

In the insular, it felt like it at times, enforced statelet of Northern Ireland<\/a><\/span>, sexual repression was a thing. (And probably still is.)<\/span>\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Faggot. Queer. Bent. Gayboy. Bender. Fruit. OOOOooooooooo<\/em> like an effeminate caricature: going around, mincing, limp-wristed, and nothing but a bum-watching, bumboy<\/em>. These were some of the names I heard levied at me when I was eighteen and on into my twenties.<\/p>\n

At the time, my mental health was on skid row. I had depression, was low on self-confidence; suffered terrible social anxiety, and an alcoholic experimenting with harmful drugs . I did not realise at the time that I was in pain due to my background. Yes, family<\/em> and subsequent cognitive development. Impaired. Yes. Immaturity. And I was unwell<\/em>. Really. I did not stand up for myself. I had no response to these verbal demarcations.<\/p>\n

They used to say, \u2018Burnsy, why haven\u2019t you got a girlfriend then?\u2019 And I would take \u2013 as the colloquialism goes \u2013 a reddener<\/em>. Pure scarlet. Flustered and embarrassed and already a wreck. I started to think maybe I was. One of them,<\/em> and I was struggling with my sexual identity. My gayness<\/em> was trying to come up to the surface and out<\/em>. But I was suppressing it.<\/p>\n

\"\"
Image: Daniele Idini.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

I can recall some twenty years later, sitting in a working-class bar, one Saturday afternoon two decades ago, in Belfast, alone at a table with a drink, and coming to the end of the line on the subject \u2013 asking myself: \u2018Am I gay<\/em>? Do I really want to be in a relationship with a man<\/em>?\u2019<\/p>\n

I knew that this situation had become a neurosis in my mind. And I had to venture out there to find out. I went online and looked at Transexual escorts in Belfast. I picked one. Of an Asian background. I went to a hotel the next week and found out that I was not gay after all. The physicality of what is a man\u2019s frame\/body and the presentation gender of a man, was, is<\/em>, something that I was not attracted to. At all. And that\u2019s fine.<\/p>\n

My sexual identity had very little bearing on my mind\u2019s stunted growth. It was all familial.<\/p>\n

\"\"
Image: Marina Azzaro<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

There was the time whilst I was living in Dublin that I went along to a reading group after being asked by a guy who is gay. I knew he was gay and did not have an issue with it. I did not have a secret fantasy or agenda to get better acquainted. During the reading, he tried to play footsie, or, leggsy<\/em>, rather, under the table with me and I did not reciprocate. From then on, he has given me the old round around and does not converse or communicate and I thought that was rather selfish, but there you are.<\/p>\n

Indoctrinated media draws very clear lines on the subject of sexuality: binary codes, definitions and stereotypes.<\/p>\n

I do wonder about the repression back home, though<\/em>, the religious doctrines and institutions which repressed people and silenced others. The subsequent abuses.<\/p>\n

I did wonder for a long time about homophobia and innate homosexuality and violence meted out in manifest self-anger as one reads and hears so often about attacks on gay men. Gay women. Gay people.<\/p>\n

People are people they have their preferences and proclivities.<\/p>\n

I went on a trip to Berlin a couple of years ago to visit the museums and check out the city. Cut to a Friday evening; there was slight drizzle and when I was walking down through Rosa Luxemburg-Platz, I saw a man in full-make-up, a pink latex jacket, leather biker\u2019s hat, a black mesh over his face, black leather trousers, and black boots, and to me, he looked happy.<\/em> Free<\/em>. I was happy for his freedom and thought to myself, \u2018You wouldn\u2019t see that in certain areas of Belfast on a Friday night. Sadly.\u2019<\/p>\n

You just don\u2019t know the great struggles people have in their lives.<\/p>\n

Live and let live.<\/p>\n

Feature Image: Felipe Lopes<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In the insular, it felt like it at times, enforced statelet of Northern Ireland, sexual repression was a thing. (And probably still is.)\u00a0 Faggot. Queer. Bent. Gayboy. Bender. Fruit. OOOOooooooooo like an effeminate caricature: going around, mincing, limp-wristed, and nothing but a bum-watching, bumboy. These were some of the names I heard levied at me … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":225,"featured_media":15478,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[18],"tags":[881,3624,3879,6460,6463,6464,8500],"class_list":["post-15477","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-society","tag-belfast-homophobia","tag-gay","tag-growing-up-in-belfast-homophobia","tag-neil-burns","tag-neil-burns-belfast-youth","tag-neil-burns-cassandra-voices","tag-society"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/casswp.eutonom.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15477","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/casswp.eutonom.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/casswp.eutonom.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/casswp.eutonom.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/225"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/casswp.eutonom.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=15477"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/casswp.eutonom.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15477\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/casswp.eutonom.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=15477"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/casswp.eutonom.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=15477"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/casswp.eutonom.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=15477"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}