{"id":17545,"date":"2025-03-28T12:35:34","date_gmt":"2025-03-28T12:35:34","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/cassandravoices.com\/?p=17545"},"modified":"2025-03-28T12:35:34","modified_gmt":"2025-03-28T12:35:34","slug":"the-powerful-nature-of-addiction","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/casswp.eutonom.eu\/index.php\/2025\/03\/28\/the-powerful-nature-of-addiction\/","title":{"rendered":"The Powerful Nature of Addiction"},"content":{"rendered":"

Back in 2016, I was embarking on a road towards sobriety after nearly eighteen years of committed alcoholism, homelessness, depression, and, in many ways, desperation<\/em>. I needed<\/em> to change. However, I did not know how or where to begin. I started with \u2018one day at a time,\u2019 taking small, manageable steps. If I don\u2019t drink this week, I will try it next week<\/em>. That was my mantra, and that\u2019s how it went initially.<\/span><\/p>\n

That was when I happened to be in Manchester on my way from Salford, where I had been staying in a homeless night shelter, and walking into town to go to work one Sunday morning, when a fresh-looking can of Carlsberg was sitting all alone on the low or a brick wall near a small park. As to where its owner had gone, I had no clue. Still<\/em>, I wanted to down that can of fizzy beer. I wanted to guzzle its beery contents down my throat and for it to wash around freely in my guttiwuts<\/em> (as they put it in Clockwork Orange<\/em>). Filling me with the desire for more beer, to smoke fags, and to fall about like a drunken imbecile, not being at all the responsible person that I used to be and aligning foolish behaviour(s) I know all too well \u2013 being the eternal alcoholic bum<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Cut to the previous year prior, 2015, on a Sunday, the first of November, I had the worst hangover of my life, and wanted to kill myself. I simply had had enough of being an alcoholic.<\/p>\n

The scenario was that I was at Birmingham International Airport\u2019s train station, lying on a bench in the small waiting room, suffering from a desperate hangover, holding onto a sausage baguette with congealing red sauce in a paper bag, murmuring in pain. I didn’t see how I could continue in life, having failed at it so badly.<\/p>\n

I wanted to throw myself under an oncoming train.<\/p>\n

I had been out on the lash in Birmingham the night before and spent a lot of money on a premeditated drinking session. The following day, I jumped on an earlier train, and the conductor came round and asked for my ticket and, inspecting it, said, \u2018You\u2019re an hour early; either buy a new ticket which will cost you \u00a335.00 or get off at the next station and wait for your train.\u2019 I choose to get off.<\/p>\n

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Feature Image: David Kwewum<\/a><\/span><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Sobering up has been rather hellish<\/em>. Seriously, it has.<\/p>\n

For the first five years, I was ill<\/em>. I was lethargic and had a rumbling stomach. I believe I developed GERD (Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease), where the lining of the stomach is decimated due to all the booze I tipped down my throat, where it swilled around in there like a dark, seething, twisted, broiling sea.<\/p>\n

During my recovery, if I drank strong, cheap tea bags, the tannins in the tea played havoc with my liver, leading to a dull, searing pain in the lower right-hand side of my upper body.<\/p>\n

In 2017, I went to the GP in Derry, where I was living in a hostel, and he informed me I was having recurring liver infections. He didn\u2019t know what I knew.<\/p>\n

I had a liver scan. There was some \u2018superficial\u2019 scarring on my liver, the nurses at Altnagelvin Hospital said. If it was superficial, I didn’t want to know what actual, deeper<\/em> scarring felt like. No way<\/em>. This had been painful enough so far.<\/p>\n

The reality was, after years of alcohol consumption, I had liver disease \u2013 let\u2019s make no bones about it, leading to recurring infections. And my diet was atrocious, which contributed to my poor health.<\/p>\n

I drank far too many fizzy drinks. I scoffed far too many biscuits – once I sat down with a cup of tea, I would \u2018clear the decks\u2019 in terms of consuming high-sugar and high-fat content junk food in one sitting. Tunnock\u2019s Teacakes were a firm favourite; I could consume at least four in one go. I ate crisps by the tonnage and ballooned to nearly fifteen stone in 2020. That\u2019s big for someone of my height of 5ft 7\u00be, with a small enough frame. I was a greedy, unmitigated, irresponsible (health-wise) git.<\/p>\n

Two years ago, I went to the GP for a checkup as I was feeling lightheaded and had chest pains. My blood pressure was up six points, and I had high cholesterol, I was informed. I was on the danger alert for a heart attack. I think I have had some minor ones. Or Angina, at least. That or it was the GERD.<\/p>\n

These days, I rarely drink fizzy drinks. I seldom eat crisps and opt for baked ones. I would have a chocolate bar at least twice a week. Rarely more than that. I prepare most of my meals from scratch and mostly drink water.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

I recently saw an advertisement on a billboard at 8:44am for a pint of the black stuff, and wanted to imbibe it so badly that I considered going on the \u2018drink.\u2019 I swear to goodness that one millisecond glance up at that foamy pint with roasted barley, and I was there with one in my hand, ready to take a good draught.<\/p>\n

That is the powerful nature of addiction \u2013 that pull is as strong as it ever was, even though I am currently nine years alcohol-free.<\/p>\n

It takes work to remain sober. I don\u2019t think I ever will be free from alcoholism.<\/p>\n

Only now can I say that I am not drinking. And that\u2019s what I intend for the foreseeable future.<\/p>\n

I’m aware of the downsides, and it\u2019s far from ideal: the anxiety, the guilt, and the worthless feeling(s) that soaking oneself in booze brings.<\/p>\n

At least now that I am sober, I can focus on my hobbies, including writing and making music \u2013 two things which bring me joy. And if that gets me out of bed in the morning \u2013 I now rise every morning at around 5am \u2013 sleeping right through from the night after usually going t to bed around 10pm.<\/p>\n

That is something which I can control and manage. I opt to be busy, which is something I aim to maintain. Things change when people have to.<\/p>\n

Feature Image: Pixababy<\/span><\/strong><\/em><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Back in 2016, I was embarking on a road towards sobriety after nearly eighteen years of committed alcoholism, homelessness, depression, and, in many ways, desperation. I needed to change. However, I did not know how or where to begin. I started with \u2018one day at a time,\u2019 taking small, manageable steps. If I don\u2019t drink […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":225,"featured_media":17555,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[23],"tags":[301,303,394,1819,6441,6461,6464,6478,7419,8922,10016,10017],"class_list":["post-17545","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-comment","tag-addiction","tag-addiction-to-alcohol","tag-alcoholism","tag-comment","tag-nature","tag-neil-burns-alcoholism","tag-neil-burns-cassandra-voices","tag-neil-burns-writer","tag-powerful","tag-the","tag-what-alcohol-does-to-your-body","tag-what-alcohol-does-to-your-liver"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/casswp.eutonom.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17545","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/casswp.eutonom.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/casswp.eutonom.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/casswp.eutonom.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/225"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/casswp.eutonom.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=17545"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/casswp.eutonom.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17545\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/casswp.eutonom.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/casswp.eutonom.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=17545"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/casswp.eutonom.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=17545"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/casswp.eutonom.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=17545"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}